I’ve been writing this post since January.. and it has still no end; too many questions and not a single answer that makes me feel good. is it me or is it our reality?
during my first round of Bali-life, I observed, experienced and learned a lot. disconnected from old self, and reconnected with mother nature. I’m entirely grateful and I’ve felt the blessing of the universe every single day. now, while taking a break, I’m trying to organize my thoughts and feelings before the next big step.
an interesting part of confronting the changes in my personality is reading again my previous posts.
after these months I clearly can state: I am not GECKO. I never was. I’m on the path, just don’t know where I go.. and some unexpected enlightenment made/make it more colorful. I was lying, I was hiding, I was like a person who needs a minute to get the joke. everything needs time and the right time.. this is also true in the case of facing the previous versions of me and some of my inexplicable decisions, letting go all toxic connections, putting down my baggages, and opening myself for something new.
I always loved the concept and structure of IKIGAI. but despite the satisfying logic, is there a difference between “meaning of life” and “purpose of life”? when I say it out loud, why does it taste like business on my lips? what if our real value is not for sale?
someone once summarized life in two simple words: priority and effort. I kinda agree with this. you need both of them in every segment of life; in relationships, in business and especially in the way you see and treat yourself. people love suffering – it’s an easy way to victimize themselves (and they looove drama).. but they just don’t have the priority and don’t do the effort.
I don’t have a purpose in life. for me it is not obvious to follow a preconfigured road with a checklist, and I am also not really interested in finding any.
at the moment, I don’t know the meaning of my life either. this is a much more interesting question to me, because.. do we need that exact meaning, or should we just LIVE? when you see the nature, without deeper knowledge you don’t understand why life needs so many different species. but the system works. so do we really need to question it, or should we just go with that flow?
it’s like convincing ourselves that we matter, our existence is important. our ego needs an explanation, but this all happens only in society. society is an artificial element in the life circle (don’t confuse it with community). people doubt and suffer only in society. they feel depressed, anxious, lost only in civilization. so maybe we should ask “why do we need society?”, instead of question our self-existence.
ikigai is an important element of a long life. but why do people want to live long? what is this thing with immortality? I don’t want to live too long and definitely not forever. some people are not able to accept the rules of life – that is on this Earth everything is born and dies -, so they figure out theories to follow to extend life as much as possible. why? the end is still the same for everyone.
I don’t mean that it’s bad to live a full life where you feel good and useful.. I just don’t see the point of a life of work – and ikigai with the money component definitely supports this approach.
thanks to a fake Buddha quote (“The trouble is, you think you have time.”) people think that they don’t have time, and stress themselves about running out of it. I totally disagree: we have enough time, as much as we need. it’s another topic that our ego wants more. if we add the fact that despite the traditions and rich culture Japanese are extreme workaholics, ultimately ikigai just supports EGO.
in the last times, I started to unlove my body, and with two days of Bali belly I got the crystal clear signal that this is a wrong way. it’s not good or bad, white or black.. it’s about balance. I always believed in holistic thinking – because everything is connected to everything -, and Bali teaches me every day that we can’t separate things (especially those that belong to one another).
I started to write this whole post even at Siwaratri (the night of Shiva) – simply because I was not able to fall asleep ‘till 4 am. and if I still needed confirmation: spirituality undoubtedly rules my life. I can’t (and won’t) be blind to all the magic that happened since I’m here.
I usually avoid to use the word spirituality, because people make its real meaning banal.. like they do with everything that requires higher consciousness; someone explores the business potential in it and starts to dumb it down to sell it for the masses. we can say that we all are the same, but don’t fool yourself: not everything is for everyone. a perfect example: yoga. what do I mean? something like this.. (it’s funny that it was published just a month after I was thinking about the same)
exactly this happens to Bali too: people sale out the island to get debt. ironic.
first I didn’t want to come here, then got attached to the island in only 5 days and now can’t stand its beautiful places.
they say there are many things that happen only in Bali.. I know well what they mean. here the rule is that the more you see, the more you feel. inexplicable feelings, strange energies, universal conjunctions.. a mysterious fusion of nature, religion and incenses. honestly, I think this power is dangerous. don’t think of anything dramatic: dangerous in every way and level. you can see Bali basically in three ways: as it is, as a resort island or as a paradise retreat.
I feel that the third way is the worst. people come here to detox and retreat from all the sh*t they piled up in many years. typically, they spend 2-6 weeks on the island and leave it as a new person reborn. it sounds amazing (and as a huge business), right? but what do you think, where do all the sh*t (energy) go?.. or more accurately.. stay?
everything that you empty from your body and soul doesn’t disappear, but stays swirling in the air; so the uncountable soul-dirt, that like soot covers the island. why does Gunung Agung chug smoke since September (and doesn’t represent a huge eruption)? why do I feel that the island (nature) is tired and need relief and fresh breath? it seems like rotten souls all around, covered with amazing shades of green.
and an additional thing: do you know what do I find entirely ridiculous? when spiritual women gossip about relationship dramas. isn’t it an evidence, that they are not spiritual just trendy? (just like when someone doesn’t practice yoga just do poses & asanas.. not the same at all) purchased spirituality, dreamcatcher tattoos and crystals won’t make you spiritual.
do I sound spiteful or arrogant or superior? Just if you think that humanity deserves rights, everything (and everyone) has a price and you don’t focus on the real values. I may be harsh, but I have to remind myself as well, that I cannot separate myself from the whole, and that there are the effects of my everyday decisions.
finally let me interpret a few words as I understand them so far:
love is not what you expect, love is what you give. love is not what you want, but what you need. love is inside and not outside. love starts with self-love. but there is only one love.
vulnerability exists only in our socio mind. it’s not part of our pure being, it is just planted inside us. only you can hurt yourself. you just have to perceive that vulnerability comes when you put your focus outside, when you expect things and so give your environment the power to rule you.
the essence of LIFE
if there’s no society, there’s no pressure; no duties, expectations, checklists. you are just being you. I spend days watching the palm trees growing, listening the living terra around me, wondering and falling in love with this ultimate beauty. mother nature teaches me more in one day than what civilization can in 10 years. the real essence is in the details.
there’s a word that’s freaked me out since it inception:
there’re so many subcategories and fields of influence, but let just take an example: #travellers
fake posing (sorry, but they don’t seem natural at all), on the same places (everyone travels to the exact top destinations and feels like being Columbus), the same edited pictures (because everything has to be given a face-lift, like it wasn’t beautiful enough naturally) and all what they do is just promoting things (whatever material goods or hotel vouchers.. same sh*t). so ultimately – especially if they are “successful” – they are the product, just sell themselves; how else could they make money/income?!
so what is their real influence? what they tell to their followers: be a product! we are all products, but selling yourself so hard is actually sad. virtual and real life are so different, if you care a bit you know it well. but measuring success this way makes no difference between you and a dairy cow.
free media.. an evergreen topic. on the one hand of course, everyone has the right to say what they want. but on the other hand there’s too much mess and bullsh*t exist without real knowledge or personal experience. do we really need all of them.. just let them flow without any controls? is it healthy? is it constructive? does it have any value? maybe we should listen to the old Greeks and apply more often the triple filter: “If what you want to say is neither true, nor good or kind, nor useful or necessary, please don’t say anything at all.”
in summary, it seems that those who could tell stories about life have no access (rights) to talk, but those who have Internet access have nothing really to say.
why do I write a blog since 2003, then? because I go crazy if I have to store all these thoughts in my head.. but it also has a good reason why my old posts are not available. :)
since people can write, they lie. they can write whatever they want and sell it with good marketing. just look at the Bible.
sometimes I ask what’s the point of reading books? I love books. and I’m always keen to read philosophical topics. but books are just the subjective manifestation of other people’s thoughts. why is it important to know them? were these people better than us? do they know things better? do they live their lives better? why? the end is the same. whatever they do, they die then. so does it matter? don’t we know better the things in our own life? it’s serendipity to compare or get a confirmation that people before us were thinking the same way as we do, so it has to be a schema in our thinking. but they were/are just the same humans as we are.
..but like this – that hit and resonated with me currently – makes me smile: “When you start thinking about what your life was like 10 years ago–and not in general terms, but in highly specific detail–it’s disturbing to realize how certain elements of your being are completely dead. They die long before you do. It’s astonishing to consider all the things from your past that used to happen all the time but (a) never happen anymore, and (b) never even cross your mind. It’s almost like those things didn’t happen. Or maybe it seems like they just happened to someone else. To someone you don’t really know. To someone you just hung out with for one night, and now you can’t even remember her name.”
when I look back at my life and recall memories from 1, 2, 10 years ago, it seems like watching a movie about someone else. it was not me.. or was I? I seriously lived like that? what was I thinking.. and the funny thing is, that I don’t regret, but also do not miss anything. how many personalities do we live in a lifetime? where are all these experiences and memories? who do these belong to? why do I not feel any connection to the past?.. it’s like it really doesn’t matter.
I’ve just read now the full story of the Venus Project – another utopia with an imposing concept -, and I have only one question: why do all the utopias die before they could come to life? not just in the new age but in the ancient too.. as always since society exists.
people never really like the age they live in and dream about their own, perfect version of it. there’s no objective truth of course, but these ideas always remain just dreams (or temporary dictatorships). why don’t we focus on the present and current life, instead of daydreaming about future, crying over the past and changing others but not ourselves?
we live in a logarithm; everything what’s happening already happened, so it’s predictable. also everyone runs a program (from birth) that determines what we think about our environment, about our human-selves. most of the people simple don’t want or don’t let change the running program; as one of my favorite quote says: my consciousness is super-safe.. nothing comes in. how could then an idea initiate any change or planting seeds there where’s only concrete?
also, do we realize that most of the people live their lives in the village where they were born? never leave it, never go outside, don’t collect information from outer worlds; all their knowledge is what they see right in front of their eyes. maybe not questioning their existence or meaning of life, just do what they have to do.. and done.
so why do people frustrate themselves with unreal visions? why do they want to change others? how do they know what people need? do people actually know what they want and need? why do we have existential crisis? why is it not enough just coming-to-be and passing away?
why do we need afterlife fairy tales? should we really waste our time waiting for something that is not certain to exist after life? why to live in the future with hope and not to live the present? and where does this pushing away responsibility attitude come from?
ARE WE FREE?
not counting that we all bond ourselves with beliefs or ideologies, there is one thing that naturally bonds us: memories.
memories define our personality, who we are (or think we are). these are the wide collection of our past decisions wherewith we have to live our whole life.
are we free from memories.. or even our memories make us slaves? can we delete them.. or just ignore and hide them (but then they visit us time to time from the subconscious)? Buddhism says: LET GO. but how do you get away from your memories? also, letting them go.. just flowing through time.. is that life then? not remembering, not realizing, not sensing what happens.. a state like this sounds less than a simple existing, maybe also worse than lobotomy.
I have memories. sometimes I feel too much, sometimes I feel they are not real, sometimes I forget them, then they hit me unexpectedly. as I see, memories bond us the most, because even if you don’t remember, they are there with you, deep inside. motionless.
we are not free. we will never be free. and this is okay. we just have to fix our terminology.
I already learned few important lessons this year. as I finish this post, all I’ve written down doesn’t matter anymore.. and it’s so liberating. since last new moon everything changed; I still have to process and rationalize some stuff, but what I know for sure: life is too short. letting go means to let go the unimportant socio-bullsh*t, but not life!
and please listen more good music in the background!
ps: don’t search for April, it doesn’t exist.