this is kinda my goodbye post to Bali and I don’t know how I feel about it.
9 months. pregnancy for someone, brand new life for me (which is pretty much the same). unexpected, spontaneous, stirring, hectic, and the best word perhaps is: heavy.. in every sense.
go big or go home.
I didn’t want to come to Bali. I just happened to meet a friend. then, however, I felt something calling me and I had to come back. at that point (a year ago) the only thing I knew that Hungary is not my home. I did not expect to feel such comfort and familiarity that I will be stuck here for almost a year, despite it was obvious that this place is not my home either, it’s just a temporary stay.
I always had an ambivalent feeling about Bali: it looks beautiful on the surface, but the more I know the more I fall out of love with it.
of course I was also fascinated by the smell of incense, the beautiful flowers, the highly detailed architecture, the lovely offerings on the street and the colorful ceremonies.. obviously I wanted to know more. but finally, as the proverb says, “be careful what you wish for because you just might get it”. I fell in the trap too.
I could talk about the money-driven everyday life, that everything has to be bigger and busier, the closed-minded approach that is based on a biological age superiority. but it’s not my business. if Balinese want to build the biggest statue in the world despite they believe that “do not build anything taller than a coconut tree”, if they want to fill up all rice fields and cut down forests, if they want to sit on the top of their trash, it’s not my business. it doesn’t mean that I don’t care, I just rather focus on what I can change, and not being stressed out on what I can’t.
in fact I couldn’t be more grateful for all this experience and learning; to see the whole picture, both sides of the stories and to understand that dynamics is an amazing and powerful gift. also not to judge with the knowledge I collected (which is far not complete).
we people judge so easily and it can be really heavy to change our attitude. but once you did your whole worldview changes and it’s so refreshing. at last Bali (the island of gods) just seems like a seamy underbelly of gods. but again, it’s not my business.
everything that has a beginning has an ending.
the ultimate law of this physical life. everything changes (another fundamental law) and I’m sitting in the middle of them. an era ends – just like my current stage of life –, and the beauty of it is that I acknowledge it with a light heart and a faint smile. I’ve been feeling for a while that Bali-life ends for me and it’s all good. I can’t count the blessings I received here during my stay, also would love to believe that I gave some back, too.
I changed and change a lot too – it’s impossible to resist so much impulse. my approach to life, my needs, my communication all smoothed and yes, I do fail, I am not perfect.. but I try to be real and I am more and more open every day and I keep learning.
what did I learn here?
FRUSTRATION. a colorful soul killer mixture of anger, inability, low vibration, overthinking and comfort zone laziness. beautiful, isn’t it? the best part how I can finally let all them go with a coffee and cigarette in my hands.. partly kidding. the key is to stop and ask yourself: does it matter? when you see how stupidly you act within your head, just get a deep breath and let it go. (sounds easy and actually it is.)
LONELINESS. I am alone, I always was. I’m a whole being (not just a half of something) so it is what it is. but from time to time being alone can be boring and frustrating too. I felt lonely so many times.. while I was missing real interaction, physical touches or just someone on the same page to share thoughts and emotions with.
STRENGTH. the spirit and the pure healing beauty within myself. the strength to face the truth and deal with it. also the caring and embracing power of Mother Nature. human constructions are deconstruction for nature.. no wonder how many earthquakes happen currently. but she’s never harmful just strives for balance.. we should do the same.
TRUST. everything happens as it has to happen. for me it was pretty hard to let go of control, just close my eyes and flow. but the push was so strong and clear, that I just had to learn to trust the Universe. it doesn’t decide for us, the decision and the responsibility is ours, but once we finally make it, it just supports us in every possible way. sometimes I feel this all is just a dream, that I am Alice in Wonderland, because everything that happens is so simply and unbelievably easy. but this is it. only we (our mind) want to control and overcomplicate the very simple thing called life.
LOVE. the unconditional pure love for the nature and for myself. it’s so easy to forget self-love (I also get a reminder every single time), but how could we love anyone or anything without loving ourselves first?! this is nothing selfish: only what’s inside can shine through. it was difficult, but I learned to love my decisions, accepting my body, the life I chose to live and the freedom that I can change my mind whenever I want to.
tourist. traveler. guest.
those who leave their home to see the world can basically be tourists or travelers. I’m none of these. I call myself a guest. a guest in a foreign country and also a guest on this beautiful Earth (as our lives/stay is pretty short and temporary). Bali did teach me the real meaning of occhiolism. I always loved stargazing or just look up to the sky. the understanding of our tininess in the universe gives me an infinite peace and calmness. all created problems disappear immediately and what stays is just the infinite space
a goat without a plan is just a fish. (the original quote sound different, but I like my version more.) I’m neither a goat nor a fish, anyway I don’t have a plan. I always knew I was an antevasin (no, not just since it went viral in that bullshit movie), but right now I don’t see the path.. and somehow it doesn’t gives me anxiety. I feel and trust to face the proper direction and it’s perfectly enough.
still so many stories to tell, but now I pack my bag and go for the last time to the airport. and say THANKYOU.
thank you for the tanned skin. for the lessons. to deal and live with nature. to show me the way to simple life. the best Brazilian wax ever. the delicious juicy fruits. the salty curly hair. the smiles of the locals. the amazing street food. my scooter driving skills. the ylang-ylang. and for all the beautiful souls whom I was lucky to meet with here.