since I left my motherland I’ve had countless existential crisis, self-doubt, (over)questioning, depression.. but I’ve felt infinite happiness too.
now, I’m sitting in one of my favorite places with a coconut roti and cardamon teh tarik and try to collect all the swirling elements to see where they lead to.
I chose this island to find out where god is, what god is. from my point of view.. god is not in religion; god is me, god is you, god is nature, god is life, god is love. (maybe I should put it between quotation marks as what I’m talking about is not that one God..)
there’s a theory that God created the world only for observing themself. God is everything, so needed a reflection to let see and know themself. it sounds a bit selfish, isn’t it?
but maybe this is the same with us, people. I am not my body, I am not my mind, I am not my feelings.. but I need all of them to observe and let know myself. (and if you really want to know and understand the self, it’s eventually a selfish act too.)
everything I see-feel-think has a projection outside.. in people, in situations, in nature. everything is everything, but at the end everything is me.
I don’t believe in objective truth; all we experience in our life come from inside and the recognition happens inside us, too. just because we are part of the everything it doesn’t mean that we are identical. millions and millions of little bubbles in the big bubble. but that’s what makes our existence beautiful.
I have my own chaos, I always had.. and in the past days I’ve been dived into it actually. I was lost, alone, desperate. but when I stopped thinking about it and find the way out.. the “nirvana” has just arrived. clearly and undoubtedly. don’t identify this with the buddhist terminology! nevertheless it’s definitely a higher level of vibration – that leads to understand everything without words, to see the path, to feel the strength and infinite power, to be home. and here I am now. (with the full moon the timing is perfect.)
home is a feeling and not a place or a person; home is you. anyway I’m indescribably grateful to experiencing and finding home in all levels: in another person, in a physical place and in myself too. this is not simply luck: a lot of work and loss and despair is behind it, and even my life had to be moved to somewhere else. but in the end it’s totally worth it.
so who am I? it doesn’t matter. what matters is love.
love for my existence, for my feelings, for my thoughts, for my creativity and ability of creation, for the world around me, for my body and especially for mother nature.
Bali is the “Island of Gods” so no wonder that I feel even right now. and this is just the beginning. I have so many questions, so many things to understand, so many connections to explore.. but I’m ready, because I love and I am at home.